Noise. Noise. Noise.

Noise. Noise. Noise.
It's back!

It’s back!

The noise in my head has been pretty quiet. I think Andy Cohen quiets the noise. I am obsessed with my cat. It’s kind of pathetic. I would hate for anyone to think that I did not love Jack. That in some way Andy Cohen has replaced Jack because that would never, ever, ever happen. I just think Andy Cohen has come into my  life at a time that I really needed him. I needed some one to love, pamper and marvel over. He quiets the noise. He is just that special and I adore him. So, my head has been relatively quite and then today I realized I was making obsessive lists in my head and it was time to get them out.

Here goes.

  1. I love my cat.

  2. It is my happy time. I love everything about Autumn but I strongly dislike how dark it is when I wake up and in the late afternoon. I do love the golden autumn colors.

  3. I eat too much.

  4. I do not like wearing pants.

  5. The menopause hair is back.

  6. I think it’s funny that the same people who were throwing mud yesterday are all peace and harmony today. I hate politics and I call Bullshit.

  7. That being said I am really happy for our new Mayor. #teamarrigo

  8. I love our Atlanta family and am forever grateful for them. I am thinking of Patty and wish I lived closer and could just stop by for coffee and a chat with y’all. Yes, I just said y’all.

  9. I can not stop eating.

  10. Did I mention the menopause hair is back?

  11. I need a navy blue cardigan. Not a “celestial blue” not a “cadet blue” but a NAVY blue cardigan. Like the color I use to wear with my catholic school uniform. Yes, I went to catholic school. One year, it’s all they could handle.

  12. Help a girl out, find me a catholic school uniform navy blue cardigan.

  13. Tomorrow Triple P turns 26. In 11 days Triple P is moving out. Hold me.

  14. I already bought my 4 boxes of Stove Top Stuffing for Thanksgiving. I did not want to be stressed about my contribution to dinner.

  15. My Christmas list is complete.

  16. The cutest kitten in the universe just fell asleep on the counter right next to me. He likes to be close at all times. I love him. jc

  17. I have to end this post here because how can I ignore this cuteness. I have to smother his face with kisses.

  18. See! No more noise.

Napkins.

Napkins.

I am in love with these napkins. Ny Grandparents always used these napkins and when I was a little girl I thought they were super special and elegant. We only used the regular store brand paper napkins at home. My Grandmother always let us use the silver and the “good” plates. The napkins just completed the specialness of whatever she had made for us to eat, from her delicious spoon bread to her amazing toasted Muenster cheese sandwiches, I thought everything she did was special. Every time I use the napkins I am instantly transported back to their house and the happy memories created there. I will always use these napkins. Always.

September 17, 2013. Early Morning.

September 17, 2013. Early Morning.

        Andi came and gently woke me up. I was not really sleeping, more like resting my eyes (sound familiar), because even in the secluded hallway I could hear all the machines. I could feel the terror in my heart. I could not quiet the noise in my head. I calmly said a simple “Ok” and I stood up and took her hand. As we walked into the room the four of us took up our positions at his bed as if we already knew our part. We held his hands, rubbed his legs and arms, stroked his forehead and kissed his face for what felt like a moment. The kind nurse told us they  had done everything they could to assure Dad was not  having the nightmares he feared. The nightmares he had after the first procedure were the only thing my father had ever told me scared him. They shook him to his core.  Knowing the beeping and whirring of all the machines were no longer comforting us the nurse muted the sounds and then stood quietly in the corner motioning what was happening. We quietly spoke to Dad the whole time hoping to quiet any nightmares he might be having with I love you’s, Thank you’s and Blessings that we called him ours. Whispering in his ear the names of all the people who loved, honored and cherished him we said goodbye. The nurse looked at us and nodded his head and then we cried.

Dad Noise (I know, shocking that I am writing about Dad).

Dad Noise (I know, shocking that I am writing about Dad).

Sometimes I just can not wrap my head around the fact that I will never see my Dad again. That I will never hear his voice. That I will never hear his laugh. That I can not pick up the phone to call him. That I will never receive another badly spelled letter. I hate that I can never be hugged by him again. However I am  grateful that the last time I did say goodbye to him (when he was not  unconscious) and feeling uncertain about the future I went back for one more “I Love you” and another kiss.

For Dad on his 80th Birthday.

For Dad on his 80th Birthday.

August 15, 2015. Today would have been my Dad’s 80th Birthday. I hate would have been. I am going to celebrate my Dad’s Birthday every August 15th and  my wish is that when I am gone my children continue to celebrate his Birthday. My Dad deserves to be celebrated and not just on the day of his birth. My Dad loved his Birthday. I think I get my love for my Birthday from him. He also loved cake. He liked chocolate and I like crappy white. I thinnk it is genetics.

We would have had a big celebration to honor such a milestone Birthday but honestly we would have done it last year on his 79th Birthday. It would have been tradition. Let me explain, on what we thought was my Dad’s 65th birthday my sister’s and I planned a big surprise. Dee picked him up from work under the pretense of going out to dinner. She proceeded to drive to the airport and when he asked what was going on she handed him a card  saying come celebrate your birthday with us. We picked them up from the airport wearing matching dresses (something we always did in the past. Mom ALWAYS had us in matching dresses on sepcial occasions) holding signs and drinking chamagne. We had a lovely weekend culminating in a party with people that meant the world to him. It was memorable. As we tearfully said goodbye to him at the end of the weekend he thanked us all for making it happen and then said “But girls, it’s not my 65th birthday. I am 64”. OOPS!

So, we celebrated his 70th birthday on his 69th. My wonderful Aunt hosted a beautiful family celebration. It was pretty magical. I am so grateful that Travis made an amazing DVD to remember that day. Dad gave an  emotional speech that was all about family. I have taken the DVD out looked at it since he passed but have not had the courage to watch it just yet.

Last year I spent most of the day being sad. I missed my Dad. I did eat cake and wrote him a letter just from me to him.

This year I am just as sad. And I decided I want to continue another family tradition. On milestone Birthdays we make a list of things we wish for the birthday celebrant or memories we wish to remember. We for sure would have done this for Dad on his 80th Birthday. I miss my Dad.

So Dad, on your 80th birthday this is what we want to tell you. Please know this list was made with a lot of love, laughter and tears. (and some constant reminders to some sisters to get their thoughts in).

1.Thank you for being ours.

2. Thank you for wearing the bead necklaces we made for you.

3. Thank you for taking us to Riverside Amusement Park.

4. Thank you for always getting 4 olives in your martini.

5. Thank you for teaching us to make a martini.

6. I personally want to thank you for putting Marissa’s Barbie’s Fold-able Dream House together. I hated that thing.

7. We love your earlobes. The grand kids especially loved playing with them.

8. Thank you for making us t-shirts for every special occasion.

9. Thank you for the really cool Camaro. I am only sorry Jimi totaled it before anyone else could drive it.

10. We miss you.

11. Thanks for making us listen to Frank Sinatra and the rest of the Brat Pack.

12.Thank you for teaching us to ski.

13. Thank you for teaching us to skate,

14. Thank you for teaching us gamble. This includes Jake, Marissa, Sam and Mario. Some of them listened better than others. (Sam).

15. Thank you for teaching us to play tennis. Some of us got it better than others. Ok, I never got it. I apologize for throwing my raquet.

16. Thank you for teaching some of us to play raquetball.

17. Thank you for being wise enough to realize you should not attempt the raquetball thing with me after the tennis fiasco.

18. We loved watching you ski,skate,gamble,play tennis and raquetball. You did them all so well and with such enthusiasm.

19. We really loved watching you dance. Thank you for dancing with us.

20. We miss you.

21. Thank you for the amazing vacations.

22. Thank you for driving all night to surprise the kids in Disney World.

23. We hate that you were not here to meet Gwyneth Georgeanne and Emma Stowe. You would have been bursting with love and pride.

24. We really hate that both of them will never know you. It’s so unfair.

25. We like to remember that you wanted your middle name to be Oscar instead of Angelo so your initials would be G.O.D instead of G.A.D.

26. We love our nicknames. Thank you.

27.Thank you for wearing the really tacky ties we insisted on buying for you.

28. Thank you for paying for the ties with your eyes closed so that we could “give them to you” on your Birthday,

29.Thank you for teaching me to drive.

30. We miss you.

31.Jake, Marissa, Sam and Mario thank you for letting them muss up your hair.

32. We miss the way you pronounced the days of the week. Mondee, Tuesdee, Wednesdee, Thursdee, Fridee, Saturdee and Sundee.  

33. Jake wants you to know that he apprcitaed you letting him convince you that he was Batman. I believe he still thinks he is Batman.

34.Balboa.

35. Aspen.

36. Hidden Cove.

37. Gunstock.

38. Jake, Sam and Mario are so grateful for the advice you gave them. They remember it differenty but they live by it. Jake says “Find something you believe in and then sell the heck out of it”. Sam says “Find your passion and then chase the shit out of it”. Mario is somewhere between the two and Marissa just took your advice. She is following her passion. See! They listened.

39. We all listened.

40. We miss you.

41. You would have loved that Jake recenty graduated from a program at work. They asked him to chose a song to play as he walked to the podium and a motivational quote to flash on the screen. He quoted you and chose “Fly me to the Moon’. You were with him.

42. You are always with us.

43. Speaking of which, Thank you for the signs even though Ugo is mad that I am the only one getting them.

44.You would be so proud of the kids.

45. Mario says that when he is stuck in his bussiness he asks himself “What would Pop do?”.

46. You would be happy to know that Marissa still gets the giggles.

47. Thank you for making us laugh.

48. Thank you for imitatng Steve Martin so well and thus making us laugh.

49. Thanks for bailing me out when I lived in Boston.

50. We miss you.

51. Thank you for incuding our friends. They miss you too.

52. Thank you for paying 5 millon dollars for all of our lessons. Dance, Riding, Gymnastics, Sailing. It’s funny how the price kept going up every time you mentioned it. I do the same thing to Marissa.

53. Thank you for making all of us feel we could do all of the things we wanted to try. You made us feel like we would be the next Prima Ballerina or Olga Korbett and we knew that wasn’t happening with my shoulders.

54. Thank you for attending all of our performnaces and productions. Even the ones we did in the iving room.And thank you for paying th fee.

55. I remember the year we all were in The Hartford Ballet’s production of the Nutcracker. You flew in watched the performance and then turned right around and flew back to Boston. But you were there and we knew you were there. Always.

56. We love that you took such pride in being a blood donor. We trry to follow in your footsteps. And as Chase so eloquently put it in his Eulogy for you, we know you did not do it for the cookies.

57. We wish we could hear you say one moe time “I am just resting my eyes”.

58.Andi hopes you knew how sorry she was that she blew up the glass bowl trying to make rice crispie treats. She also apologizes for taking the blender out of the mixing bowl while the batter was still in there. You would be happy to know she is no longer allowed in the kitchen.

59. We apprcaite that you always let us order a side of pancakes with our breakfast. Especially at Dupar’s.

60. We miss you.

61.Thank you for teaching us to ALWAYS split Aces and Eights.

62. Travis is grateful for your influece on Jason. He reminds her of you everyday.

63. Thank you for never stopping at red lights and saving us from the car blowing up.

64. Which reminds me, thank you for making the car dance when you drove.

65. We love how much you loved donuts. And Dunkin Donut’s coffee.

66. Shirley Bassie and a bucket of chicken.

67. We miss your white socks worn with jeans that are too short.

68. Your biriefcasse. That is all, we just miss your briefcase.

69 Going fast. In the car or the boat we remember going fast and loving it.

70. We miss you.

71. We can picture you opening your birthday cards and looking for money. Shaking the envelope and looking on the ground in case you dropped something. It always made us laugh.

72. Football, football and more football.

73. Thank you for taking us to Tower Recotds and letting us buy albums.

74. We remember playing 20 quetions on our car rides to New Hampshire. Jimi says I cheated but you knew I know a lot of stupid information and I won fair and square.

75. Jimi remembers something about you setting up our swing set and sweating it out. I do not remember that just like I do not remeber cheating at 20 quastions but she is the oldest sister so we will trust her on this one. I do however remember the swing set. That baby got a lot of play so thanks for the swing set. And the bikes, the Surrey, the skis, the tennis raquets, the riding equipment, the balance beam and the approxiamtely 1.000 pairs of dance shoes.

76.Thank you for one small fortune cookie soap.

77.Thank you for ALWAYS listening.

78. Thank you for taking us to the Buckboard Restaurant, letting us order Shirley Temples, giving us quarters and letting us dance to our hearts content in the banquet room.

79. For teaching us early to dance and sing in the rain.

80. We miss you.

Dad, we hope you are dancing. Happy Birthday. We love you.

Love, Us.

For what is it to die but to stand

naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?

And what is it to cease breathing,

but to free the breath from it’s restless tides,

that it may rise and expand

and seek God unencumbered?

Only when you drink from the river

of silence shall you indeed sing.

And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.

And when the earth shall claim your limbs,

then shall you truly dance.

  • Kahlil Gibran

Dad #20

Dad #20

                      (This commercial is titled Calls for Dad)

Dear Dad,

Yesterday was one of those days that I would have picked up the phone and called you. I know I called you all the time for every little thing. I loved sharing with you. I loved talking with you. I loved getting advice from you and most of all I loved how much better I felt after talking with you. Yesterday I was sucker punched. I was hurting. My very first thought was “Call Dad”. After the initial wave of sadness and then the next wave of anger washed over me realizing that I cold not call you, I sat back, closed my eyes and talked it out with you in my head. I could hear your voice and let it comfort me. I knew what advice you would have given. I knew what you would have said. I knew you would have made me see more clearly what in fact was bothering me. I am not saying that it was as good as picking up the phone and hearing your voice, but you taught me well. And I know without a doubt you would have made me laugh before I hung up. So, the universe can sucker punch away. I still have my Dad in my corner.

I also wanted to tell you that the Father’s Day crazy has begun. The commercials, Ads in the magazines. cards in the stores, it’s everywhere. They still make me catch my breath but I find myself smiling as well. I loved how you loved these holidays including your Birthday. Anything that was a celebration and most importantly celebrated you. I still have the last Father’s Day Card I bought you and never got to send. I bought 2 cards Father’s Day 2013 because I could not decide between the two. I bought one with the thought I would save the other for next year. I took it out last year, held it in hands and cried. I bet you are surprised that I remembered where I put it. I am too. Anyway, I will take it out and read it to you again this year. And even if I cry know that I will be smiling because I will be remembering how much you loved celebrating. And Cake. And Prizes. I wonder where I get it from?

I love you,

Mrs. Skunk.

P.S. They are talking about how to survive a shark attack on The Today Show, How about I swim in a pool? How about that?

P.S. I also wanted to tell you that Georjan treated us to lunch at Costello’s on Saturday. That’s right, she paid. I am sorry you weren’t there to witness it but I enjoyed it for all of us!

Help Me!!!!!

Help Me!!!!!
Me sabotaging me. Nice.

Me sabotaging me. Nice.

AAAGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! I broke the Cardinal Weight Watchers Rule. I have been indulging in the delicious Chatila’s Oat Bran Muffins every day for about 10 days. I am obsessed with them. If You do not know about Chatila’s you should. It is this amazing bakery in Salem, New Hampshire that specializes in Sugar Free Baked Goods. Before you start in with me on Sugar Free products being filled with other crap, Stop! I know! If you know anything about me you know I am not giving up my baked goods and Chatila’s has been my saving grace, Anyhow in my excitement of falling in love with the muffins I calculated the point value as 2. I kept thinking, as I shoved a muffin in my face, that this is too good to be true. Guess what, it was. The nutrition info is for 1/2 of a muffin. HELLO!!!!! What am I an amateur? I know to read the serving size. How did I miss this? Rookie mistake. I feel like I sabotaged myself. I am like the Lindsay Lohan character in Mean Girls that gave Rachel McAdams the diet bars that actually made her gain weight. I did this to myself. Pathetic. I need Tina fey to come to my house and give me a pep talk to make me feel better about myself. Bye Bye delicious Oat Bran Muffins. Hello Muffin Top. (Insert bad word here).

Weekend Noise.

Weekend Noise.
I of 3 cakes this weekend. Congratulations Gabster!

I of 3 cakes this weekend. Congratulations Gabster!

Who doesn’t love a weekend? Well, the 25 years I worked in Retail weekends were not my favorite but since joining the real world I really, really love my weekends. I especially love Saturdays when you still have the weekend in front of you. I also love Saturdays because of Saturday morning Zumba class. It’s kick ass and fun. My Dad use to call me every Saturday around 10:00 am.  18 months later and it is still a huge void. But some weekends are filled with so many wonderful things I can not help but smile. This was one of those weekends.

This weekend has been full of celebrations. Whats not to love?  Keep in mind that celebration is code word for cake. Never regret cake. Never say no to cake. I am especially grateful to be included in someone’s celebration. Think about it., a person is celebrating some milestone event in their life and they think enough of you to include you in it. Basically they are saying, I am so happy, please share in that. Come On! No need to ask me twice and thank you for including me. There is a saying “She would go to an opening of an envelope”. I think it’s suppose to be a derogatory comment. Like, she will show up for anything. Well guess what? if you are excited about opening that envelope and want me to be there to celebrate with you, I will be there. And if there is cake, well that would be an extra bonus. Thank you for asking me.

Speaking of being important in someone’s life I have noticed lately that whenever I type the word love more often than not it gets autocorrected to live. Really? At first I was really annoyed but then I was thinking if I love you or if I love something it most definitely has something to do with my life, with my living. It or you contributes to my live. (Yes, I  used live as a noun. Sorry Candy). So guess what? I live you. (And now it is a verb).

Hey, have I mentioned I add chia seeds to my food? Yup, I am that healthy. I am thinking about adding them to my crappy white cake. You know, health it up.

I live celebrating. I live cake. And I live you. I hope you had a great weekend. There are only 4 more days until the next one and it is a 3 day weekend! Yes!

 

 

 

Thinking of Dad on Mother’s Day.

Thinking of Dad on Mother’s Day.

tampax

Celebrating Mother’s day made me think about all the times my Dad had to be a Mom. He was good at getting us dressed, braiding our hair and wiping our tears.  I am laughing remembering the total horror of finding myself in need of “Feminine Products” one weekend spent with Dad. I told him we needed to make an emergency run to the Drug Store. I was mortified. I wanted my Mom. Dad, as usual turned the whole experience int o an adventure.He loudly informed the nice woman at the cash register that the Tampax were not for his daughter standing beside him trying to disappear into thin air but were in fact for himself. He listed a multiple of uses ending with my favorite, for bloody noses. I actually laughed. We left the store and went into another one next door to buy albums. (If you are reading this and not sure what an album is I will explain another time) and then ended our journey into young womanhood with an ice cream. My Dad was good at being a Mom.

But nobody did it like my Mom. I am still amazed we made it through unscathed. She was definitely not June Cleaver (again if you have no idea who June Cleaver is the question has to be asked, Why are we friends?) and for that I am extremely grateful. She is living, walking proof that not being a perfect Mom is the only way to be a perfect Mom.

My heart hurts

My heart hurts

The noise in my head is full of my children and how hard it is to be a mom. Sometimes. Other times it is the most glorious thing in the world. Moments, there are moments of pure bliss and then moments of despair with all the other emotions from A to Z thrown in just for good measure. But the noise in my head this morning is full of doubts and fears and worries. I can not think of anything harder than watching your children hurt. It’s been a weekend full of emotions and my heart hurts.

I was talking to Gweebaby last night because you know that sometimes a Mom just needs to talk to her Mom and I was saying how funny it was that my weekend was consumed with Triple P and The Thinker. It was different from when they were younger and my day consisted of cooking and cleaning for them, driving to and from practices and dance, play dates and the such. Most of this weekend was spent talking and then sitting back and worrying but none the less they were front and center this weekend. It just goes to show that no matter how old your children are or where they live they will always be my babies. This weekend was not easy and my heart hurts,

Having not slept for the previous 2 nights last nights full night of sleep felt like heaven. I feel like I could take on the world or at the very least back to back Kindergarten classes.

Remember when there was 4 feet of snow on the ground and we were looking for the light of day? Hello light of day!

I went to the Lynnfield Marketplace for the very first time on saturday. It was so great! How can it be that I have never been there before? I can not wait to go back. I also got to see a childhood friend. That was the icing on the shopping.

I am thinking I need to take a Field trip to Frugal Fannies. I think I will either be wicked excited or really disappointed. I am also thinking that Frannie and I would be BFF’s. Has anyone ever been?

Me on Saturday and Sunday. Thank you, Andrew. You so get me.

Me on Saturday and Sunday. Thank you, Andrew. You so get me.

I have had some really bad eating days lately. And before the haters start getting all up in arms about Weight Watchers I mean bad eating days for me. The beauty of WW is there are no bad foods. You can eat whatever you like. My issue has always been my trigger foods and sadly even 18 months later I still mess up. Cake, Cookies and anything Cadbury. I lose all control. I mentioned how stressful my weekend was so you can imagine what happened when I saw a plate of cookies. I am not proud. I am not happy I lost control. I definitely shame spiraled but I am grateful for the tools I have learned from WW that got me right back on track. Reset! Some people do the walk of shame home on a Sunday morning. I do the walk of shame to my WW meeting every Monday night. Ha! I crack myself up.

Walk of Shame made me think of Pink. I love Pink. The musician and the color. Just insert the word cookie every time Pink sings step and you will have a soundtrack to my weekend. Good Times.

Andi convinced me to spend a small fortune and buy a fancy shmancy bra. She said it would change my life. I have to admit its pretty good. The girls have never looked better. I sadly have to admit I know understand the little shimmy dance my Mom would do to get the girls into place every morning. It’s not pretty but it’s the only way.

Hot lemon water is the way people, it’s the way. I was going to say I drank the Kool Aid but I drank the lemon Water and its good. Read this.

The Apple watch commercial really confuses me. If I am following it correctly it is suggesting that my relationships will be so much more meaningful if I could communicate through a watch/phone thingy on my wrist. I don’t get it and I think I was born in the wrong century. I just don’t get it but hey if that’s the way you chose to communicate go for it. I will write you a letter. (I am sure The Thinker will explain it all to me later but the mere fact that he is not running out to buy one tells me that it can not be all that).

Speaking of technology, I am OBSESSED with my Fitbit. I am also OBSESSED with beating Corinne in our daily challenge. I have been known to do jazz squares by my bed at 11:00 pm to beat her number. Again, I am not proud just stating the sad facts about myself.

teacherThis week is teacher appreciation week. I am forever grateful to Miss Wrotniak (I am still not sure of the spelling) 3rd grade. Mr. Newman 5th grade. John Beattie, Jane Perkins, Candy Iampietro, C. Robert Wray High School. Bob O. (I will never attempt to spell his last name) College. I was a lucky girl and who I am is composed of all the things they taught me.

I am also grateful for the amazing teachers my children had. I could not have asked for better. I am beyond blessed to now call some of them my co workers. I get to see every day the amazing things they are doing. Which gets the noise in my head thinking about all the people who have an opinion about what teachers are doing without ever having spent a day in their classrooms let alone their shoes. YOU HAVE NO IDEA! Seriously, how can people who have never done the job be the ones making the decisions that color everything? And if you think you could do it better, you can’t. Trust me, it is not for the faint of heart.

 Ok, I have to get ready for work. There is whole lot going on in my head right at this moment but I am having a hard time getting it all out. I am sure it has something to do with worrying about the kids. I am also thinking this post is a little bit of a downer so please stop reading if I am depressing you. It was not my intention. I am just trying to quiet the noise without resorting to cookies, cake and Cadbury.

P.S. And in thinking of my favorite teachers I must apologize to them for my poor spelling and grammar. It’s not you, I promise. It’s genetics. If you have ever seen anything my Dad has written you know EXACTLY what I am talking about. And since losing my Dad (I still hate that! I did not lose him! I would never lose my Dad. Sheesh) I am happily embracing all the things I inherited from him. Even my receding gums.