Dear Sallie Mae,   My Mother always taught me that if you do not have anything nice to say do not say anything at all. Unless someone does something offensive to you while driving then the lady gloves come off but only then. So it hurts me to say it but I hate you Sallie Mae. I really, really hate you. I can not blame you for the fact that we did indeed borrow Princess Pissy Pants tuition from you on our own accord. Sadly, I did not have the kabillion dollars 4 years of undergraduate and 2 years of graduate school cost. I mistakenly fed my family instead. OK,OK, there may have been a few shoe purchases and trips to Disney over the years but those were necessities.   I would like to point out that during our initial courtship phase you were kind, welcoming and made it all seem very easy. It was like you were putting on your party dress and on your best behavior. You had me fooled until it was time to pay up. The amount of paperwork involved and the fear you installed in me was nothing until a mistake was made.

As you know Dear Sallie Mae (I was sneering as I wrote that) Princess Pissy Pants graduated from St. Anselm College in May of 2011. In December of 2012 we started repaying her loans in full. Though you gave me many opportunities to set up online payments  I decided not to for a number of reasons: # 1. The Saint does not always get paid in a timely manner and I did not want to chance messing any accounts up or opening a new one. And most importantly #2. After all the time and money I am hoping that someday, some far off glorious day Princess Pissy Pants might be contributing to her student loans. You know not a lot but enough for her to feel and learn some responsibility for her education and future. But of course not now but after all her trips, lunches at the Border and Saturday nights in Boston. We would not want to rush anything. I digress, You were somewhat helpful in the process of setting up our payments and laying down the law. Not quite as helpful  as the courtship phase in your party dress but still somewhat helpful and kind. And then the mistake was made.

After Princess Pissy Pant’s December loan payment was made, payment #12 I might add and 2 days before Christmas, do you think that was easy? I received a not very nice email saying the payment was late. I panicked and quickly checked with my bank to see it was in fact paid so I thought nothing of it, my mistake and the only one I will accept responsibility for, and continued celebrating the holidays. You know celebrating , presents, family, friends, fun. I only say this Dear Sallie because you clearly have no idea of family, friends and fun. Anyhow, I soon received another email and 8 count them… 8 letters in the mail on January 2. Mind you her payment is due Dec. 28 so even if it had been late it was by 5 days with one of those days being a holiday and two the weekend AND my bank had posted it on Dec. 23. Hmmmmm, I though maybe there is a problem let me call. Ugh! So, being the good citizen I am I called and the nice girl, why be mad at her she is not Sallie, told me I was $72.00 behind on my last payment. Really?, what an odd number and nowhere near what the actual payment is. I pointed these facts out to her and she said let me take a look. She commented that there was nothing in the past year that would indicate a problem and she saw all our payments on time if not early. She was perplexed and asked if she could put me on hold. While she had me on hold I went back to my bank statement online just to assure myself by seeing the payment again. I clicked on the little camera icon by the check and saw my check in front of me. I read everything on it just to reassure myself again because Sallie Mae and her 8 threatening letters had me fearful for Princess Pissy Pants future when I saw something! I had made the check out for the right amount but the numbers had been juxtaposed and the amount taken out by Sallie Mae was less. $72.00 dollars less. A mistake! Not mine but none the less a mistake!  I gasped, clutched my heart and waited for the girl to come back on the line.

About 5 minutes later when she came back and apologized for keeping me waiting she told me she could not find any problems and it would have to be researched but in the mean time I must pay the $72.00 or it would affect my account. I told her I thought I had found the problem and shared what my detective work had uncovered. Expecting her to throw me in the dungeon for the mistake she very calmly replied let me check that out and then quickly said. “I see it, this happens all the time with data entry.” Once I started breathing again I asked her twice are we all set?  This is not going to be a problem, right? She put her party dress on and assured me everything was fine, this was just a mistake and since I was making the $72.00 payment that day it was all behind us.

Well, since that phone call on Jan. 2 I have received 6 threatening emails, 12 letters and 4 automated phone calls demanding action on my late payment. After The Saint received one of these phone calls at work and completely freaked out, really Sallie…you call the Dad? What do you think he knows?, I made another call. Another nice girl, obviously not Sallie, listened to my tale of woe about THEIR MISTAKE and why were we still being treated like criminals for something we did not cause and  been assured  had been amended, she said “I see it, this happens all the time with data entry. sometimes it takes time for what is entered to catch up”. I asked her if the same person that juxtaposed the numbers on the check was in fact the same person that entered the data that the problem  WE HAD NOT CREATED ( I raised my voice) had been resolved. She did not think I was funny. She told me to just ignore any other notices I received. So, I am not even looking at the 2 new emails titled delinquent payment,a letter  that came yesterday, and phone call that I received this morning. It’s Sunday Sallie, bite me.

In conclusion Sallie, I hate you. When we first met you were not my favorite person but I knew we had to have a relationship so I tried. You put on your best dress and made our adventure look like a party. Now I see you for who you really are. I see you in your stained sweatpants sitting behind a computer swigging beer and eating pork rinds while incorrectly entering things into your database that will affect innocent people all over the country. I bet you are laughing. I think we would have been better off borrowing the money from the Guy Uncle Mike knows that hangs out at the coffee shop. So, I am no longer going to be a lady. The gloves are off. I hate you and my Mother hates you too.

Bite Me!

Janet