Monthly Archives: August 2013

Miley and Me.

Miley and Me.

Yikes! Maybe I may have more in common with Miley Cyrus than I think?

Miley! I can see your bloomers!

Miley! I can see your bloomers!

Today was the first day for the kindergarten students. The first day is always a roller coaster of emotions full of many “firsts”. I was helping with the chaos of their very first cafeteria lunch when one of the little cherubs asked me to tie his shoe. I quickly bent over to do just that even though I was distracted  with making sure the kids were lining up with the right teacher and not being lost in the shuffle.I forgot I was wearing a dress. Let’s just say I may or may not have flashed most of the little angels. I do know for sure I flashed Mrs. Ciano who is now referring to me as Miley. Poor Little ones, the first day of school is hard enough without me scarring them for life. I can just hear the dinner conversations now.

Parent: “Sweetie, what did you do at school today?”

Student: “The computer Lab is really cool, I got a box of brand new crayons, lunch was really gross and Oh!, I saw the Library Ladies Bloomers!”.

Perfect, just perfect.

I know how I felt after seeing Miley perform. I apologize for anyone I may have offended with my performance today. Nobody, least of all an innocent five year old, should have to be exposed to me and my bloomers or Miley Cyrus.

This post was approved by Charlie G. (my ghost writer and contributor even though he considers me “Third String”).

What I am thinking right now…….

What I am thinking right now…….

I survived my first week of school!

 

And just like that Friday’s are wonderful and looked forward to again.

 

Thank you Jimmy Fallon for reuniting Jesse and the Rippers.

 

 

I have developed Allergies at the age of 51. I don’t think that is fair. I think that by the age of 50 you should be free of things like allergies and acne. I mean come on, shouldn’t there be some sort of consolation prize for turning 51 like “Hey, I know your body is doing all sorts of weird sh*t but at least you are past the point of allergies and acne?”. Seriously.

That being said THANK YOU BABY JESUS for Zyrtec. Suddenly their commercials all make sense to me!

Thank You Baby Jesus!

Thank You Baby Jesus!

I can not believe I am 51.

I keep thinking of this following conversation I had with a First Grader on the first day of school.

Me: “Douglas, did you do your Summer Reading?”

Douglas: ‘No, I was giving my brain a break”

Me: “A break from what?”

Douglas: “It was full of all the stories you read to me when I was in Kindergarten!”.

I love this. I love that his brain is full of the stories I read to him. I do hope that at some point his brain has room for more stories.

I am 51. Sheesh.

Getting ready to enjoy my favorite time of the year. I hope Autumn lasts for more than 2 days this year,

I wonder what Donny Osmond is doing right now.

Candy Corn!

This is my favorite Jesse and the Rippers video. It has all the things I love most, a cheesy over the top romantical moment, Disney World and Uncle Jesse!

When do I get paid? I am so looking forward to my first paycheck after not being paid all summer.

I see a new purse in my future. I am loving this……

I want, no NEED this!

I want, no NEED this!

 

I know all the Trivia Answers on Kelly and Michael and never know the answers on Jeopardy. What does that say about me? Do I really want to know?

We are getting closer and closer to the time I have to put on jeans. Why am I hearing the theme to Jaws in my head?

The Noise In My Head (insert Jaws music here).

 

 

 

 

 

 

Do not take my advice.

Do not take my advice.

book

Remember the book I mentioned a few posts back? The book I had been reading and really did not like? Remember I said that I always tell the students to give a book at least 4 chapters before you decide if you like it or not? Well,  when I wrote the post I was on chapter 6 and was telling myself to take my own advice and stop reading it.  I did not. I kept reading because I can not not finish something I have started, except cleaning the basement. I will never finish that! (Three years and counting!) And guess what? I really, really like it. I am thoroughly enjoying the story and am now on chapter 11. I stayed up late last night reading.  I am so glad I did not take my own advice. If I were you I would never take my advice. But if you were brave enough to do so, read this book. It is good. (And then you could come over to my house and we could discuss the friendship between the two main characters while you help me clean my basement!).

Seriously!

Seriously!
August 13, 2013

August 13, 2013

Do you see this stool? This stool sitting in my backyard? Well, this stool was returned to me on or about June 30th. I asked The Saint to bring it in and down to the basement. This picture was taken today, August 13th, and the stool is in exact the same place it has been in since June 30th. I have been to Colorado, New York and Atlanta and each time I come home I am shocked and surprised to see the chair EXACTLY where it was placed on JUNE 30th! I know a lot of you, especially my dear friend Ed White, is thinking “Janet, if you want the stool brought down to the basement so badly why don’t you just do it yourself?”. I will tell you why, BECAUSE I ASKED THE SAINT TO DO IT ON OR ABOUT JUNE 30th!!!!! Are you freaking kidding me????? Every time I see the chair I am reminded of this Everybody Loves Raymond episode. You know, the one with the suitcase that sat on the stairs because Ray refused to bring it upstairs. Well, Debra Barone is my Patron Saint and I  AM NOT BRINGING THE STOOL TO THE BASEMENT! The end.

P.S. It is raining today. I wonder how many days it has rained since June 30th.

Letter to myself.

Letter to myself.

Most of you that know me know that I have kept a journal since my senior year of High School. Thank you Edie Lipp. I usually write in it every night. Sometimes I skip a day and then play catch up.I love going back and re reading them but mostly it helps the noise in my head if I put it all on paper. I was reading some of the entries in my current journal last night and noticed that I have been writing the same things pretty much all summer and that I have been exceptionally hard on myself. This got the noise in my head humming and so this is for me……Blank_Paper_Pen-e1338321507196

Dear Janet,

Stop being so hard on yourself. Really, stop. It is not a big deal that your house is messy. Nobody cares. Well, maybe your Mother in Law but you could never clean your house to her ideal so why bother? That my friend is just setting yourself up for disappointment.

I know you missed the beach this summer but look on the bright side, you did not have to put on your bathing suit.

Face it, you are never going to finish cleaning the basement. Just give it up. It will give your grandchildren something to do in years to come. They will think they are treasure hunting and marvel at all the relics and things you thought were important enough to save, like all the cassettes that they will have no idea what they are and what they do. By the way, you are a hoarder. Own it.

And really Janet, stop comparing your house, kids, husband, life to your friends posts on Facebook. Nobody’s life is that perfect,

Yes, you have gained weight yet AGAIN! Stop beating yourself up. It was a hard summer and you ate for comfort. You have done it before and you will do it again. Go downstairs to your messy basement and find the bigger jeans before Fall gets here. Just do it. Replace them in your closet with the ones you know you will never get your fat ass in and avoid the drama of the first day of jeans. You are overweight but you are also so much more than that so stop writing everyday how fat you are.

Speaking of which, stop harping about not eating family dinners this summer. It’s been a crazy summer. Nobody has gone hungry.You all look well fed. Hopefully things will get back to normal soon and everyone will be sitting around the dinner table listening to The Thinker talk about things you have no idea what he is talking about.

I know you missed your friends, They know you miss them. I am sure there are many new adventures in the future.

Stop looking at your bucket list you made for this summer. Just stop it! I know only one thing was checked off but look at all you did in place of what you hoped to do. You began the summer with your family and you will end the summer with your family. Nothing is as important as that. And didn’t you always say you hated bucket lists? Just rip it up.

I have noticed that you have written a lot lately about maybe getting a puppy. Do it.

Apparently you read this at the beginning at the summer; “Is it better to have regrets for what you did or regrets for what you didn’t do?”. Hmmmm, that’s a tough one but I think no matter how you look at it you are going to have some regrets. Let it go. You are doing the best you can and there are no regrets there.

Again with the fat thing. You wrote about that a lot. Just put down the Salted Carmel Gelato and get on with it.

You wrote about your kids getting older almost everyday. Princess Pissy Pants got her Master’s degree and The Thinker will turn 21 in 5 days. They are no longer your babies but as long as your living your babies they’ll be. Stop thinking about that book! And really, Triple P does not know how to check her bank statement online and The Thinker borrows $20 from you daily. They will always need you.

You wrote on July 23 that you had your hair colored and you were thinking about not doing it anymore. You mentioned that Monty and your mother had beautiful salt and pepper hair and how pretty it was. You will not be that lucky. Keep coloring your hair.

When you were in Colorado you wrote that Andi was obsessed with Candy Crush. Do not start playing

Many nights you wrote late at night and complained about not being able to sleep. I think you should look at it as some time to spend doing what you like. Read, write.. whatever but I repeat do not start playing Candy Crush or decide to go downstairs and clean the basement. The monsters are awake at that time.

I know you are worried about your parents, all of them. Guess what? all the worrying in the world is not going to change anything. Just love them and be there, You do know how lucky you are right?

Your entry on August 1  mentioned that you have been wearing your black dress from Asos a lot and you questioned if it was becoming your “uniform” like Mom’s denim tent dress she lived in the summer of I think 1979. The answer is YES!

Oh! and here is a thought; stop watching the News before you go to bed.

Nobody cares that you do not know how to iron. Well, maybe your Mother in Law. Again, dont go there. There is no living up to her expectations.

Lastly, you know what I am thinking? Just stop being so hard on yourself. Just. Stop. It.

Love, Me.

P.S. You are not cool enough to wear chunky necklaces and why would you draw attention to your double, maybe triple chin? Give it up.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What I am thinking right now……….

What I am thinking right now……….

I have been home for almost a week  and this is what I am thinking right now……..

The noise in my head is deafening.

Apparently stress eating does cause weight gain. I wholeheartedly believe that anything eaten during stress, sadness, PMS or while watching a Hallmark or  Lifetime Movie should not cause weight gain. For Reals.

I have so much to do.

How can I get anything done when Grease 2 is on TV?

I miss my Mom.

I miss my Dad.

I miss my sisters.

I wish I could shake my life like a snow globe and everything would gracefully fall into place.

I think Whit Sheppard is brave and honorable.

I bought a dress in April that I put on today and it no longer fits me. I repeat,  stress eating does cause weight gain.

I am not coordinated enough to open an Orville Redenbacher’s Pop Up Popcorn Bowl without spilling the popcorn everywhere.

Help me,

Help me!

It was a Healthy Pop popcorn bag due to the dress not fitting.

I don’t like the book I am reading but I am afraid to not finish something that I started. Like something bad will happen but seriously after this past month what else bad could possibly happen? I think I am going to be brave enough to not finish it. I thought I would like it but I really, really do not. I always tell the students to at least give a book 4 chapters before you decide if you like it or not but I am on chapter 6 and I still do not like it so I should just take my own advice, right?

I can not wait to watch the new season of Newsroom. I am waiting for a quiet day and then marathon it. Excited!

I have two weddings to look forward to this fall. I love weddings. I hope I can find a dress that fits in my closet.

I don’t think Robin Thicke pictured an overweight 51-year-old woman dancing around her kitchen when he was recording Blurred Lines but that does not stop me from doing just that every time I hear it.

I subscribe to about 11 magazines a month. I read every one of them. I am tired of not seeing women that look anything like me in magazines. I am going to make my own magazine. It will have ads for Fluff and articles like How to put on spanx without falling off of your bed.

I still want a camper just like the Malibu Barbie Camper circa 1972.

So cool. Surfs up!

I am s very proud of Princess Pissy Pants, she has completed Graduate School. She will receive her Masters Diploma at the end of the month. Her next amazing feat will be to learn how to fold the laundry. We are hopeful.

Speaking of Barbie, I loved playing with my Barbies and I know some people think that Barbie gave an unrealistic perception of what a woman should be to young girls. I never had that problem. I never wanted to be Barbie, she could not decide on a career, her boyfriend would never commit and her friends always borrowed her clothes and never returned them. I did not want to be Barbie but I did want her dream house and the Malibu van. I am also thinking that my obsession with Pink began with my love for Barbie and her dream house.

I have so much to do but I am still doing this and watching Grease 2. If I were lucky enough to be Michelle Pfeiffer I would be most proud of this movie.

The Noise In My Head (and it is singing this)…………..