I miss you. I really, really miss you. I miss you so much that I can actually feel it. It’s like a constant, physical ache. Brooks said that she constantly feels heavy. I said that it feels like I am swimming underwater. Andi said that she just feels like something is wrong. All I know is that no matter how you say it or describe it we all miss you so very much. There is this huge void in my life and nothing can fill it. I miss you.
What has surprised me is the tears. I can be doing the most ordinary of things and I just start crying. I can not control it at all. I never knew that I could wake up crying. I do, I wake up crying. I just try to go about my business with the tears streaming down my face.
The problem is, well one of the many problems, that you would be the person I would talk to about all this. You would be the one I would call and say “Dad, I am sad. Where do I put all of this, what do I do?”. And you would say the right thing and make me laugh at the same time. Like the morning you called when the kids were little and I was crying because I was having such a hard time being a Mom. And I told you I thought I was failing and I did not know how Mom did it with the four of us and you very calmly said “Honey, your Mother drank all day long. She was drunk that is how she did it?”. You made me laugh and then pointed out all the good things that I was doing. So, I would like to call you right now, right at this very moment and I would like for you to make me laugh and tell me it was going to be ok. I need you Dad and I miss you.
My first thought when I open my eyes is my Dad.
I think of my Dad roughly 4,983 times a day.
The rest of the day my head is full of noise.
Today I am wearing my “good” bra. You know the one that makes the girls look like they are supposed to and does not strangle you with the under wire.
I know people will find this shocking but sometimes I just don’t want to talk.
I have an age spot on my face. You heard me right, I have an age spot on my face. Between the age spot and the pimples we could play connect the dots. Pimples and age spots, you heard me right.
Triple P received her Diploma in the mail yesterday. I of course burst into tears. They were happy tears and sad tears. Papa would have been so proud of her. She is the first one in the family to get her Masters. We are all so very proud.
You know you have a problem when the school lunches start to smell good.
I have now cried in 4 states. Georgia, Massachusetts, Connecticut and New Hampshire. I am taking my show on the road.
I went to Boot Camp last night. The first one in about 6 months. I hurt.
It felt good to be back in my corner.
I deleted some of my comments. I am an idiot. If I deleted one of yours I am sorry.
The kids sang in rehearsal today. It gets me every time.
There are 5 girls in the Fifth Grade reading the Little House series. This makes me INSANELY happy.
When I was little I tried to get my Dad to call me Half Pint just like Pa did Laura but Dad never called me anything but Skunk. I miss him.
I started a new book and I loved it from the first page. This makes me INSANELY happy.
There is a lot of reading going on.
64 sleeps until Christmas. You’re welcome.
I think my Dad would have liked the #LastVegas movie .
When I heard that there was another school shooting I watched the news to find out when and what happened. It was the third story after the Red Sox and Aaron Hernandez. That makes me sad and mad at the same time. Really? What does that say about the world?
I am not tired off all things pumpkin flavored yet.
Ed posted his top 10 favorite movies of all times which started a big discussion among his friends. After reading his list and their suggestions I realized how shallow and unsophisticated I am. There was not one Disney or Chick Flix on their lists. I am going to keep my top 10 list to myself.
OK, number one would either be The Wizard of Oz, Gone With The Wind or Last Of The Mohicans.
I have been to one Boot Camp class and one Zumba class this week, Shouldn’t that have erased 6 months of stress eating?
Tessa is home. I am so happy.
I dont want to be the grown up anymore so for today I am going to act my shoe size and not my age. Which is 9 1/2 in case you were wondering.
Speaking of shoe size, I want these.
I just turned on the TV. A 14 year old killed a teacher in Danvers. I am going back to bed.
My last thought when I lay my head down to sleep is my Dad.
The Noise is my head (and all I can hear is static, still no music).
I miss my Dad.
4 weeks today. I have missed him every single minute, all 40,320 of them.
I know it probably comes of as cheesy but I love going to The Madonna in Orient Heights.
It brings me great comfort.
I like lighting the candles.
When I am there I hear this song.
I miss my Dad.
Last night I went out with some of my dearest friends to celebrate their Birthdays. I think it was pretty big of me to celebrate other people’s Birthdays but hey, I am just generous like that and really I just love Birthday’s. I get it from my Dad. he loved his Birthday and would start talking about it months in advance. He would ask if you needed his Birthday list and remind you he loved Chocolate Cake. Sound Familiar?
Anyway, I digress. Joanne graciously offered to drive us to the restaurant in her fancy new SUV. Do not ask me what kind it is, I have no idea but it very pretty and fancy. Since there was 6 of us I offered to sit in the back with Lisa. Lisa weighs 5 pounds and is tiny. I think she lives in the Keebler tree house. When we got to the restaurant Donna kindly moved the seat up so I could get out and that’s when the problem started. I could not get out! I could not maneuver forward, sideways or out! I was stuck! There was nothing to grab on to haul my fat a** up and I ended up sliding off the seat and onto the car floor. Problem solved? NO! Apparently I am too wide to gracefully get out of fancy SUV’s. I tried scooching out, NO! I tried holding onto the door and pulling myself out, No! I tried inching my way out a little bit at a time, NO! Are you getting a picture? I finally had to turn sideways and fall out of the car. Pretty.
You might be wondering where my dear friends where while all this was taking place. I will tell you, Donna was standing outside of the car door laughing so hard she almost hurt herself. KK and Kathleen just got out of the car and ran away not wanting to be part of the spectacle. And Lisa the Keebler Elf? Well, she was sitting behind me laughing and videoing the whole tragic event. Then she gracefully exited the car with ease and yelled “Who wants to see that again?” Nice, really, really nice.
I think it is safe to say “The be nice to Janet” phase is over.
There is no picture for this post because I would not subject any of you to the horror. I will say if that Video shows up ANYWHERE I will find Lisa’s little Keebler Tree House and cut it down!
My head is full of static. It kind of goes back and forth with sounds of sadness and little pep talks to just keep moving forward. What is funny is that I have not heard Music in weeks. Usually my head is full of music all day long, not so much lately.
When I woke up this morning I made myself think of what needed to be done today. I tried not to let my mind go free-falling like it has been. As I walked through Marissa’s room I let my thoughts go to her. I am so very proud of her. She is working so hard. She is up and out every day earlier than me. You have no idea what a big deal this is. The girl LOVES to sleep. She is working hard and learning how to navigate this new job and this new normal. She misses her Grandfather. I just kept thinking how proud of her he was. He was constantly checking into her daily happenings and celebrating her accomplishments. He laughed when I told him she was visiting every Brewery in New England and that I had to remind her that he there are amazing Museums in Boston. He said “She works hard, let her play”. I love that he was so involved in her doings that he knew and loved her friends. I love that he gave her friends nicknames. I love that he was her Grandfather.
Last night Mario was trying to show me how to back up my phone for the tenth time (I am not getting it!) and told me I had to get rid of the pictures on my phone. He said that they could be saved on the computer in my cloud, whatever the hell that is. I cried, I have so many pictures of Dad and was convinced something was going to happen and I was going to lose them. Mario just kept on working on my phone but Marissa quickly began her laugh/cry and told me it would be ok. You know you are not in the best place when just a change on your phone brings you to tears. I am a mess.
Ok, My pictures are safe. The new software is on my phone. I hate it and today is a new day.
I am going to make a list of things I am looking forward to……Lists always comfort me.
Meghan and Nathaniel’s wedding. I love weddings. There is cake at weddings.
Katelyn and Christopher’s wedding. Again, there is cake at weddings.
My good daughter, Tessa, is coming home for 6 months. Well, I hope it is 6 months. At least she will be home for a visit. I am going to enjoy every minute that she is here.
Andi and I are going to Disney. It is my Happy Place and I am hoping it works it’s magic.
I don’t have to shave my legs everyday.
Rose had a few of us over for “Everything Pumpkin” and it was an amazing night.
I love Rose’s house and am going to just move myself into one of the bedrooms.
I think there should be a news station that only reports happy news.
I want to be a Reporter on that station.
Donny has been a little bit neglected lately. He needs an outing.
I love Autumn but do not get the appeal of Apple Picking. It looks like work to me.
It’s funny that I can be doing the most ordinary of things and then I start crying.
OK, here goes. Thursday was a long day, work, a Doctors appointment and then errands. I had been emotional and on edge all day. I actually cried at the Doctors office. I love my Doctor and she is use to me crying so no big deal. Anyhow, by the time I got home I just wanted to crawl into bed. Instead I started making dinner, going through the mail and listening to messages. I am such a muti tasker! Most of the phone messages were nothing but I needed the phone number left on the last message. I have been saving Dad’s messages for a few months and I knew the first 6 messages were Dad. So, I carefully counted 1,2,3,4,5 and 6 messages before I let the machine play. STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! I should have hit it 7 times for the seventh message. As I was walking away Dad’s voice filled the air, ‘Skunk! It’s Dad. I guess you are out” I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I stumbled back to the machine, tripped over Jack and fell on my ass. The machine continued, “OK Honey. I will try your cell. Love you”. I sat on the floor and cried with Jack in my lap. I am trying to see the humor in this because it probably looked ridiculous but right now it hurts too much. Thank God I did not land on Jack like the Great Fish Fiasco of 1999.
Who creates Spam and what exactly is it’s purpose. Annoyed. Computer Spam not the Spam you eat. I don’t really get that either but who am I to judge?
We went out to dinner with Tony and Donna last night and I had the perfect meal. You know when you order something and it is exactly what you wanted?!?! Perfect! I did not order desert! What??? It’s true and when we went back to their house to talk about anything and everything I did not have any of the pastries they put out. What?? I think I deserve a prize!
I am working on this year’s play. Excited! I think it is going to be good. We have volunteers from the last two productions coming back to help. I think this makes me the happiest.
I am still in my PJ’s
Friday I was wearing my reading tiara and a 4th grader asked me if it was my Birthday. I explained that even though I love my Birthday that I was wearing my reading tiara not my Birthday tiara. He asked when my Birthday was and how old I would be. This happened.
Me: “I am 51 so I will be 52”.
4th Grader: “My Grandma is 50”
Me: “Isn’t that nice. How old are you 9, 10?”
4th grader: ” I am 9″.
Me: “I have purses older than you. Go to class”.
The Noise In My Head (and it is full of static, still no music).
Today every time I feel sad I am going to look at these photos.
OK. enough looking at pictures. It is no longer helping.
(Disclaimer: I have been working on this for a few days. I am so unfocused)
The Noise in my head never stops. I keep thinking of shared memories and things I do not want to forget. But as much as I would like to stay in my bubble the real world needs to be addressed. My new normal. My new life without my Dad. (I hate even writing that) So, I am really trying.
The colors of Autumn are slowly creeping in and I love it.
This is my favorite Season.
I love my job.
I see Dad everywhere.
I cleaned Mario’s room while he was in LA. I found letters that Dad had written to him full of advice for him and his business. It brought me to my knees.
I cleaned Mario’s room. Good times.
I woke up this morning, rolled over and looked at the clock, it was 8:05. My first thought was it is too late to make it to Zumba on time so just roll over and have a good cry. My next thought was you have gained about 25 pounds roll your fat ass out of bed and get on with your new normal. I was up and out in 20 minutes. I drove the same way I have driven for the last 2 years to class and noticed for the very first time that there is a street right near the Winthrop Public Library called George Street. Are you kidding me? I think Dad wanted me to go to Zumba.
I had a dream last night that I was having fun in a Water Park. Andrew was there but he was dressed as a zombie wearing a life-preserver and had a sign on him that said “Titanic”. What the hell does that mean?
I have amazing friends.
Dad’s Memorial in Conn. was yesterday. He was so loved. I think the best and at the same time hardest part of all of this is hearing people’s stories about him. He was so loved. I was so lucky.
I wore heels the whole day! Well, not heels exactly but wedges. First time since April! Woo Hoo!
Back to sensible shoes today.
The Thinker is home from LA! I was afraid he was not going to come home. He is in love with California.
By the way, I am not a Friend of Suffolk Downs.
When I do something stupid (often) , burst into tears at the store (Target, Stop and Shop , Macy’s), cry over my meal (Houston’s, Panera) I feel weird saying to strangers “My Dad just died”. (Though I do appreciate their kind words) I am going to start saying “I am sorry. I forgot my Meds today”.
We have Drama Club Auditions today. We are doing it earlier this year which is either insane or a really good idea. I will let you know.
I love sweater weather. Even though I will miss the Season of the Dress a big black sweater hides a multiple of sins.
Whenever Dad was leaving he never said Good Bye. He always said “See you in two weeks” or a variation was “See you in a few weeks”. He has said that as far back as I can remember. It really gave me a warped sense of time when I was younger. If I saw him soon after he left I always thought “Wow, that was a quick two weeks” and if it was longer I wondered why time was taking too long. Sometimes I would check a calendar or ask my Mom. She told me once that she thought Dad said it because he did not like saying Good Bye. That he did not want too much time to pass before he saw us again and two weeks would be too long so he would try hard to see us within 14 days. When I got older I found his “See you in two weeks” a comfort. It was familiar, I knew he would try to keep his word and I knew he loved me. When I got married and had my own children it was much harder to see him. Though he was always in our life sometimes months would pass before we would physically see him. But when he left he would give us all a quick kiss and say “See you in two weeks”. One time Marissa was sad Papa was leaving and Mario said “Don’t be sad he said he would be back in two weeks”. I explained to them that Papa was living in California now and it would be longer but that he always said it because he was always thinking of us and it was his way of saying he wished he was always with us.
Andi and I went to see him in July after his first hospital stay. It was so good to see him though very different with the diagnosis of Cancer hanging over our heads. It was a quick visit full of unknowns but we just wanted to be with him. When we were getting ready to leave he was sitting in a chair, we said our Good byes with a quick kiss. I wanted to get out of the house without throwing myself at his feet and crying. I started to follow Andi out of the door when I realized he had not said his familiar and comforting farewell. I went back and gave him another kiss on the cheek and said “Love you Dad” and he said “Thank you for coming”.
I miss my Dad.
OK, I really tried to make this less about Dad and more about my New Normal. I don’t think I did a very good job but I think I should get points for trying.
Today my Baby Girl turns 13. I could not love her more even if she were my own. I am so blessed to have her light and her love in my life. She is such a gift. Happy Birthday Baby Girl. I love you as big as the sky as big as the ocean. Big Love!