Monthly Archives: February 2014

The early morning noise in my head

The early morning noise in my head

sheepIt is 4:49 am and I have been tossing and turning for approximately 52 minutes. I am frustrated, tired and the noise in my head is deafening. So, I am doing what I always do to make it better, writing. Actually I am typing on my iPhone which is much easier than fumbling for a pen and paper in the middle of the night but also feels like cheating.

Why an I awake. I love to sleep. I should be sleeping.

I miss my Dad.

Losing 30 pounds is so much harder than gaining 30 pounds. And before you make an incredulous face and snarkily (it’s a word) say to yourself “30” pounds? I know I have a lot more than 30 pounds to lose. I just want to lose the “30 pounds of the summer from hell” weight. So, zip it.

Speaking of losing weight I remember eating dinner in the kitchen of 239 Cedar Ridge Drive ( I love saying 239 Cedar Ridge Drive. For some strange reason it comforts me) and Jimi leaving the table before we ate to weigh herself on the scale in my Mother’s bathroom. I must have been in Middle School if Jimi was in High School. She came back to the table and said she had lost a pound. In hindsight Jimi was and still is a beautiful girl who did not need to lose weight but that is for another post. I remember my Mom saying something like “That is great honey but the trick is keeping it off”. WHAT!?!? I was so confused. You mean to tell me that when you lose weight it can come back? It’s not gone forever!?!?!!! I remember my Mom giving an evil laugh and telling us all about the struggles of losing weight and not gaining it back. I remember her saying losing it wasn’t the hard part but maintaining the weight loss was the hardest part. WHAT!?!? This was a much more major childhood turning point for me than learning the truth about Santa, the Easter Bunny and where babies came from. I could deal with all those things but finding out that weight you lost could come back was a deal changer and the bigger question is why can’t everything you lost come back and then would it really be lost or just temporarily misplaced? Why lose it at all if it only was going to be found again. Why? Why? Why? And why am I not asleep?

Jake and Elizabeth’s wedding was amazing, breathtaking and everything they hoped it would be. I am still wrapping my head and my heart around it.

I miss my Dad.

Why can’t people do their jobs right the first time? Why am I always trying to unravel a mess that should never have happened in the first place. Isn’t all the technology we have today suppose to make life easier? Oh God! Why do I sound like my Mother?

Why am I not sleeping?

The hotel in Vermont basically charged us for 6 nights instead of 2. It’s a long, complicated story filled with changing the number of people in our reservation, adding roll always and trying to divide the bill 2 ways. Somehow I ended up being charged for both of the rooms both nights and an extra night? Ugh. So confusing and made worse because when Louie and Harry went to sort it out and pay LOUIE LEFT WITHOUT A RECEIPT! So, I only have the charges I can see on my statement online to try to sort this all out. I do not have any receipts. So now you know why I woke up at 4:00 am tossing and turning and now you know reason #4,794 I drink and why I want to eat fudge at 5:00 am. Fudge I stole from the wedding which reminds me I need to straighten out the bill from the hotel. Ugh.

What time is it in Japan. I could call Lauren and tell her all the noise in my head.

I just checked the world clock on my phone, which again is cheating because I did not calculate the 14 hours time difference in my head, so basically my phone is making me a cheater which is either a moral dilemma or technology that is making my life easier. Anyhow, it is 7:10 pm Thursday night in Japan and I could call/Skype Lauren but then I would most likely wake up Riss or Mario and that presents a whole new set of problems.

My bed is so comfortable you would think it would be easier to stay asleep.

I can relate to Micheal Jackson taking that drug to sleep. He might have over indulged a bit but sometimes you just want to sleep! I think he was taking whatever they gave me when I had my colonoscopy last week and I can tell you that was the best nap I ever had. I was a little loopy when I woke up but I felt so refreshed and not violated at all which is pretty amazing considering what they did to me.

By the way, I got the results and all is good! (Phew) and do not have to do that again for 5 years!

I have had more doctors appointments in the last month. All maintenance type things because of “My Age”. Dear God, I am my mother.

I wonder if Mom is sleeping.

I could call her but it is 2 hours earlier there. I did not have to look at the world clock for that one. I can do that time difference in my head.

I have to pee but if I get up I think I will be up for the day and I don’t want to be up for the day.

Why am I not asleep?

Whoever started their car 15 minutes ago has still not actually gotten into it and driven away yet. I have been listening to the engine run for 15 long minutes. I would get up and see who the idiot is but I am afraid it’s someone I am related to through marriage and then I will be aggravated and the noise in my head will kick into overdrive and I will never sleep again.

Speaking of which why do people continue to pull half way up our shared driveway and block me? This has been going on for 22 years. You know I park behind the house. If you don’t see my car there chances are I am going to be coming home ( even though I keep threatening to run away) so why leave your car right in the middle of the driveway? And saying your sorry does not excuse the fact that you keep on doing it.

Oh God, why am I awake?

I miss my Dad.

I could get up and eat some of the fudge I stole from the wedding but then I will be up and there is that whole weight that I have lost finding me again thing. Jeez, that is such a rip.

The cat is awake so at least I have some company.

I can not believe people get up this early. I am so not a morning person. So why am I awake? Technically I could sleep for 2 more hours. I just need to tell my head that.

Sometimes when I can not sleep I picture myself in one of my happy places. More often than not it is my grandparent’s house. I close my eyes and go from room to room. I try to picture details like wall paper and furniture in each room. Usually it brings me comfort to remember and lulls me to sleep. Lately it has just made me miss them and cry. So, I am not going to do that right now.

Maybe I will think about Disney. Disney makes me happy. Or the beach. Or Nordstroms. Nordstroms makes me happy.

Why am I awake?

I know! I will play with my weight watchers app. I am obsessed with that thing. That will make me sleepy. I will look at the point values of my favorite things to order in the restaurants I like. That will keep my busy and silence some of the noise. But then again it brings it all back to the conversation at 239 Cedar Ridge Drive of what is lost and then found again and I really don’t want to go there.

Maybe I should just put down my cheater phone and try to count sheep. Has that ever worked for anybody? Ever? And those cute little sheep make me think of Andi who collects them and has a box of them in her garage because she does not know where to put them. And when I think of Andi I miss her because I have not seen her in the longest time. Great, now I am even more sad and the noise in my head is full of all the things I want to talk to her about. Like does she remember the conversation at 239 Cedar Drive about losing and gaining weight. Stupid sheep.

Why am I awake?

I have to pee.

I miss my Dad.

I am putting down my phone.

The Noise In My Head. ( This is going to be really fun to read say at 10:30 tomorrow morning when I am really up and somewhat sane)

My Olympic Dream.

My Olympic Dream.


 Last night I was multi tasking. I was watching the Olympics, texting with my friend Dawn, catching up on my journal writing and finishing reading an article about Rachel from the Biggest Loser and her huge weight loss. Sometimes the Universe is on my side and I can do more than one thing at a time. I went to bed and woke up around 1:30 to go to the bathroom. (I drink too much water and have a bladder the size of a pea but that is for another post). The dream I had been having was so clear, so odd and so easily defined by what I was doing before I went to bed I just had to write it down.

I dreamed that Dawn was competing in the Olympics. She was going to do the downward slope ski thingy. Whatever it is what Bode Miller does and what I was watching last night. In my dream she had lost so much weight (Hello! Biggest Loser Rachel) that the Olympic committee was concerned for her safety and advised her not to compete. She was fearless (just as she is in real life) and insisted on competing. The Olympic Committee asked me to write a letter to Dawn (journal writing) trying to convince her not to compete. Their plan was to publish it in People Magazine (which I had been reading) to try to influence her decision. It was at this point that I woke up.

How funny is that? Everything that I had been doing right before I went to bed was represented in that dream. So here is my plan for tonight.  Before I go to bed I am going to watch numerous Donny Osmond videos while eating cake, looking at Bridal magazines and Googling tropical vacations. A girl can dream.

On The Good Ship Lollipop.

On The Good Ship Lollipop.

Some of my happiest childhood memories were spent at my Grandparents house sitting in my Grandfather’s rocking chair watching Shirley Temple movies. For some reason my Grandparents got more channels on their TV and I only remember watching Shirley Temple movies and the Our Gang series at their house. As a special treat while we watched television my grandmother would serve us Root Beer Floats with her silver heart-shaped dessert spoon/straws and her famous open-faced grilled cheese sandwiches on TV trays. She made everything so special. I was so very lucky. I miss them and I will be singing this song all day in my head.

The Noise In My Head…….I hear wedding bells.

The Noise In My Head…….I hear wedding bells.

j and EJake and Elizabeth are getting married in 13 sleeps. Two weeks from today they will be Mr. Mrs. Jacob Hanley or how I will refer to them, Mr. and Mrs. Jakey Boom Boom Hanney. So you can only imagine that my head has been filled with thoughts of them and the upcoming celebrations. I wish I could say that my thoughts have all been happy ones but I can not help but feel bittersweet that Dad will not be here to witness his grandson’s wedding. His first grandchild. His pride and  joy. I am forever grateful that Dad was able to spend time with Elizabeth and loved her as much as we all do. Dad’s not being there is breaking my heart and coloring the way I feel about the festivities to be but I am focusing on Jake and Elizabeth and their happiness. I am also really hoping they do not serve a vegan wedding cake. Here comes the Noise (I bet you thought I was going to say Bride!).

What would Emily Post say if I snuck in a cupcake?

Is snuck a word? Spell check is saying no. Should it be sneaked in? That sounds wrong. Ed!, Help me! Snuck or sneaked?

Wedding Party Shenanigans.
Wedding Party Shenanigans.

How much do I love that Triple P and the Thinker spent last night helping Jake and Elizabeth celebrate their upcoming nuptials. I love that they are not the Bachelor/Bachelorette type and celebrated in a classy way. I never understood the let’s get drunk and watch people take their clothes of mentality. How in the hell does that celebrate two people loving each other and getting married? Dinner, Drinks and  Bowling. I can get behind that kind of party. I am grateful that Riss and Mario are close to their cousins and consider them their closest friends. It makes me think of Sienna and Ugo and how much I love them.

What am I going to wear to the wedding? I have tons of dresses but none that say I am taking a gondola to the top of a mountain to watch my nephew get married. What dress do I have that will go with Sorel Boots?

What am I going to say at the ceremony? They asked me to do a reading and I am tortured trying to pick something. I have narrowed it down to two choices. They could not be more different if I had picked one from Shakespeare and one from the Sunday comics. I am going to run them both by my sisters. The sisters will have the final word.

I hope I do not cry. (Who am I kidding here? I am going to cry).

I hope I don’t tackle Georjan and knock her to the ground during the Mother/Son dance. I have always considered Jake and Sam my own children. There really should be an Auntie Dance.

I am pretending that Andi and Mom can be there. It seems surreal to me that they will not be with us. I am happy Andi is healing but hate that her surgery is keeping her from being with us. It’s wrong just very, very wrong.

I think it’s funny that when I called the Lodge to book our rooms the very nice man on the phone was excitedly telling me all that they offer their guests. He asked if I liked to ski. I said “No!”. ( Sorry Dad). He seemed surprised by that but then asked “Will you be enjoying our Spa Services?”. Again, I said “No”. (Sorry Andi). The poor man seemed genuinely perplexed and asked in a shaky quiet voice “Well, our Village is charming, do you like to shop?”. And we have a WINNER! We were both very relieved and ended the call on a happy note.

I just keep seeing images of Jake through the years in my head. It’s like a movie playing in slow motion. Where has that little curly-haired boy gone?

The Noise in my head……..and I keep hearing Jakey singing this.

I have a snow day hangover………….

I have a snow day hangover………….

The noise in my head is dulled by the cold and kind of a quiet but consistent hum. I think being in the house all day with the family and Justin might have something to do with it. The amazing glass of ice coffee I am drinking seems to be helping. Maybe I need another cup?

Everything in the house is breaking……..

Marissa’s car would not start again this morning. I do not know anything about cars but it has been to the mechanic twice in the past 3 weeks and it is still having problems. I think it is time for a new mechanic, a new car or a new husband. (The Saint insists we do not need a new mechanic or car so maybe it is him?).

I survived the Snow Day and did not go over on my points. Yay Me! I am thinking it is a good thing I left the Girl Scout Cookies at work. Corinne is a Girl Scout Cookie Pusher, stay clear of her and her evil ways.

The Thinker has Strep. What are the odds of none of us getting it?

My laptop has a virus. I did not even know computers could still get viruses. The Thinker has yet to fix it. Maybe I am putting too much pressure on him? I told him I would die, JUST DIE, if I lost any of my pictures of Dad. I think he is afraid to find out.

As much as I love Weight Watchers and my App I think I am a failure. At the last meeting the leader, Andrea (I love her. The first point value she shared with me was for wine and chocolate), told us we should plan celebrations for goals met on this journey. I set goals but every celebration I could think of involved food. Issues.

I love all the Facebook videos everyone has been sharing. What a wonderful memento to have of past moments. They are like little time capsules and I love them.

I got new glasses on Tuesday, I think they make me look wicked smart. The Saint has not even noticed. The last few years my prescription has changed every year so it is nice to see clearly again. I did not even realize how much it had changed until I got the new ones! Yikes. I bet The saint notices when he sees how much they cost!

Justin goes to the Doctor today for his 2 week post op visit. I am hoping they take the drains out. I am also hoping they tell him he is cleared to do more. He has been such a trooper. I am also grateful I dodged the sponge bath.

Morning Dad. Morning Auntie.
Morning Dad. Morning Auntie.

 I start my day every morning making coffee and blowing a kiss to my Dad. This picture has been on my counter for at least 6 years. It is one of my favorites. I learned a lot about being a good sibling by the example these two set. Big Love.

I am getting ready to leave for work and am already stressing over finding a place to park. The snow creates huge problems with parking. I could walk but I am afraid of falling on my a** again. The city does not enforce the please shovel your sidewalk rule. The city also provides about 20 parking spaces, on a good day, for the 60 plus employees of the school. But hey I have a good idea! Let’s build casino and see how well the city manages that one!

The Noise in my head…………………..and it is just a dull hum like the noise on the TV when there is just static.

Dad’s favorite day of the year.

Dad’s favorite day of the year.

My Dad loved a celebration. My Dad made just being together a celebration. He especially loved celebrations where he was the center of attention, there was food and Football was on the TV. I am not sure if The Super Bowl was officially his favorite celebration of the year but it was definitely in his top 10. I am not sure who he would want to win today but I am thinking it is the Broncos. I will have to ask Georjan, she will know. She always bet Football with him all season long. I only bet once and I picked The Saints because I liked their uniforms. They are very classy with a little Fleur de Lis on them. I liked it and I won. I never cashed the check. I miss my Dad every moment of the day but I am especially missing him today on one of his favorite days of the year. Go Broncos!

Never cashed it. I just like having it! I won!

Never cashed it. I just like having it! I won!

I am mad at Punxsutawney Phil.

I have the best friends. I have to count Tony and Donna as the best of friends. I have not seen them since New Years Eve and we finally got together last night. They are so my kind of people. Donna and I made the plans (shocking I know that the Saint could not pick up a phone and make a decision) and it was very quickly  decided that we would bring pizza over, wear our fat clothes/ PJ’s and it would be an early night. A perfect evening! I love my friends that have become family.

P.S. There has been some debate about how many WW points a slice of pizza is. I looked at all the options and went with 5 so I ate THREE pieces!

I like taking all the silly quizzes on Facebook like which Disney Princess are you (I took it so many times that I am all of them!) but I draw the line at “What Breed of Dog are you?”. I mean really, I have to draw the line somewhere.

My computer crashed and the Thinker had to fix it. Well, it really did not crash but somehow become possessed with demon like qualities. It would not let me open any mail, any websites or post pictures. I was in full-fledged panic mode and it took some screaming and crying to get him to fix it. I still think he just put a band-aid on it but since I am a technology idiot I have no proof. I do have a new server which means the computer does not recognize any of my old sh*t and I have to go through every security hoop you can think of to log in. I do not remember half of the security questions I answered so you can only imagine the fun I am having over here. Good Times, Good Times.

Jakey Boom Boom and Lil’ Bit are getting married in 20 sleeps. They have asked me to speak at their wedding. I am beyond honored but in a complete panic. Everything I have written so far sounds more like a Toast. I am thinking I should find something already written to read and save the Toast for later. I have some ideas but am wondering if you have any? Thoughts and suggestions wold be appreciated. And I would really appreciate it if it was something I could read without crying.

Lauren left for Japan on Wednesday. I miss her. I am still in awe of her for doing something she has always dreamed of no matter the difficulty in following her dreams. It was not an easy thing to do. Wether she succeeds or does not succeed I support her 100% because that is what a friend does and she has been that kind of friend to me. Most people talk about things they wish they could do, Lauren made it happen and I am so very proud of my friend. To those that doubted she would do it I am just wondering how that looks to you now, sitting on your couches, just hearing about her adventures. I am proud of you Lauren.

The Thinker keeps singing songs by Biggie Small and Tupac. I do not have the heart to tell him he is the whitest boy I know. He keeps telling me Tupac was an amazing Philosopher and changed his way of thinking. I told him Barney use to do the same thing for him and he sang all of his songs as well. I prefer the purple dinosaur.

Speaking of when my children were little, I think it is odd that the baby girl that never slept through the night or took longer than a 20 minute nap now schedules a nap into her day whenever she can and the boy that I would have to sit on to read now has a library bigger than mine. They are either trying to kill me or at some point I made an impression on them. I am going with they are trying to kill me.

The Thinker's desk.

The Thinker’s desk.

I think I want to watch an classic 80’s movie today and give Captain Phillips a break. I am thinking Pretty in Pink, Sixteen Candles or Say Anything. Decisions, Decisions.

I do feel a Dance Party in the kitchen coming on. Who is in? Maybe this?

The Noise In My Head……………and this is what I am hearing.