The early morning noise in my head

The early morning noise in my head

sheepIt is 4:49 am and I have been tossing and turning for approximately 52 minutes. I am frustrated, tired and the noise in my head is deafening. So, I am doing what I always do to make it better, writing. Actually I am typing on my iPhone which is much easier than fumbling for a pen and paper in the middle of the night but also feels like cheating.

Why an I awake. I love to sleep. I should be sleeping.

I miss my Dad.

Losing 30 pounds is so much harder than gaining 30 pounds. And before you make an incredulous face and snarkily (it’s a word) say to yourself “30” pounds? I know I have a lot more than 30 pounds to lose. I just want to lose the “30 pounds of the summer from hell” weight. So, zip it.

Speaking of losing weight I remember eating dinner in the kitchen of 239 Cedar Ridge Drive ( I love saying 239 Cedar Ridge Drive. For some strange reason it comforts me) and Jimi leaving the table before we ate to weigh herself on the scale in my Mother’s bathroom. I must have been in Middle School if Jimi was in High School. She came back to the table and said she had lost a pound. In hindsight Jimi was and still is a beautiful girl who did not need to lose weight but that is for another post. I remember my Mom saying something like “That is great honey but the trick is keeping it off”. WHAT!?!? I was so confused. You mean to tell me that when you lose weight it can come back? It’s not gone forever!?!?!!! I remember my Mom giving an evil laugh and telling us all about the struggles of losing weight and not gaining it back. I remember her saying losing it wasn’t the hard part but maintaining the weight loss was the hardest part. WHAT!?!? This was a much more major childhood turning point for me than learning the truth about Santa, the Easter Bunny and where babies came from. I could deal with all those things but finding out that weight you lost could come back was a deal changer and the bigger question is why can’t everything you lost come back and then would it really be lost or just temporarily misplaced? Why lose it at all if it only was going to be found again. Why? Why? Why? And why am I not asleep?

Jake and Elizabeth’s wedding was amazing, breathtaking and everything they hoped it would be. I am still wrapping my head and my heart around it.

I miss my Dad.

Why can’t people do their jobs right the first time? Why am I always trying to unravel a mess that should never have happened in the first place. Isn’t all the technology we have today suppose to make life easier? Oh God! Why do I sound like my Mother?

Why am I not sleeping?

The hotel in Vermont basically charged us for 6 nights instead of 2. It’s a long, complicated story filled with changing the number of people in our reservation, adding roll always and trying to divide the bill 2 ways. Somehow I ended up being charged for both of the rooms both nights and an extra night? Ugh. So confusing and made worse because when Louie and Harry went to sort it out and pay LOUIE LEFT WITHOUT A RECEIPT! So, I only have the charges I can see on my statement online to try to sort this all out. I do not have any receipts. So now you know why I woke up at 4:00 am tossing and turning and now you know reason #4,794 I drink and why I want to eat fudge at 5:00 am. Fudge I stole from the wedding which reminds me I need to straighten out the bill from the hotel. Ugh.

What time is it in Japan. I could call Lauren and tell her all the noise in my head.

I just checked the world clock on my phone, which again is cheating because I did not calculate the 14 hours time difference in my head, so basically my phone is making me a cheater which is either a moral dilemma or technology that is making my life easier. Anyhow, it is 7:10 pm Thursday night in Japan and I could call/Skype Lauren but then I would most likely wake up Riss or Mario and that presents a whole new set of problems.

My bed is so comfortable you would think it would be easier to stay asleep.

I can relate to Micheal Jackson taking that drug to sleep. He might have over indulged a bit but sometimes you just want to sleep! I think he was taking whatever they gave me when I had my colonoscopy last week and I can tell you that was the best nap I ever had. I was a little loopy when I woke up but I felt so refreshed and not violated at all which is pretty amazing considering what they did to me.

By the way, I got the results and all is good! (Phew) and do not have to do that again for 5 years!

I have had more doctors appointments in the last month. All maintenance type things because of “My Age”. Dear God, I am my mother.

I wonder if Mom is sleeping.

I could call her but it is 2 hours earlier there. I did not have to look at the world clock for that one. I can do that time difference in my head.

I have to pee but if I get up I think I will be up for the day and I don’t want to be up for the day.

Why am I not asleep?

Whoever started their car 15 minutes ago has still not actually gotten into it and driven away yet. I have been listening to the engine run for 15 long minutes. I would get up and see who the idiot is but I am afraid it’s someone I am related to through marriage and then I will be aggravated and the noise in my head will kick into overdrive and I will never sleep again.

Speaking of which why do people continue to pull half way up our shared driveway and block me? This has been going on for 22 years. You know I park behind the house. If you don’t see my car there chances are I am going to be coming home ( even though I keep threatening to run away) so why leave your car right in the middle of the driveway? And saying your sorry does not excuse the fact that you keep on doing it.

Oh God, why am I awake?

I miss my Dad.

I could get up and eat some of the fudge I stole from the wedding but then I will be up and there is that whole weight that I have lost finding me again thing. Jeez, that is such a rip.

The cat is awake so at least I have some company.

I can not believe people get up this early. I am so not a morning person. So why am I awake? Technically I could sleep for 2 more hours. I just need to tell my head that.

Sometimes when I can not sleep I picture myself in one of my happy places. More often than not it is my grandparent’s house. I close my eyes and go from room to room. I try to picture details like wall paper and furniture in each room. Usually it brings me comfort to remember and lulls me to sleep. Lately it has just made me miss them and cry. So, I am not going to do that right now.

Maybe I will think about Disney. Disney makes me happy. Or the beach. Or Nordstroms. Nordstroms makes me happy.

Why am I awake?

I know! I will play with my weight watchers app. I am obsessed with that thing. That will make me sleepy. I will look at the point values of my favorite things to order in the restaurants I like. That will keep my busy and silence some of the noise. But then again it brings it all back to the conversation at 239 Cedar Ridge Drive of what is lost and then found again and I really don’t want to go there.

Maybe I should just put down my cheater phone and try to count sheep. Has that ever worked for anybody? Ever? And those cute little sheep make me think of Andi who collects them and has a box of them in her garage because she does not know where to put them. And when I think of Andi I miss her because I have not seen her in the longest time. Great, now I am even more sad and the noise in my head is full of all the things I want to talk to her about. Like does she remember the conversation at 239 Cedar Drive about losing and gaining weight. Stupid sheep.

Why am I awake?

I have to pee.

I miss my Dad.

I am putting down my phone.

The Noise In My Head. ( This is going to be really fun to read say at 10:30 tomorrow morning when I am really up and somewhat sane)

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