(Disclaimer: I have been working on this for a few days. I am so unfocused)
The Noise in my head never stops. I keep thinking of shared memories and things I do not want to forget. But as much as I would like to stay in my bubble the real world needs to be addressed. My new normal. My new life without my Dad. (I hate even writing that) So, I am really trying.
The colors of Autumn are slowly creeping in and I love it.
This is my favorite Season.
I love my job.
I see Dad everywhere.
I cleaned Mario’s room while he was in LA. I found letters that Dad had written to him full of advice for him and his business. It brought me to my knees.
I cleaned Mario’s room. Good times.
I woke up this morning, rolled over and looked at the clock, it was 8:05. My first thought was it is too late to make it to Zumba on time so just roll over and have a good cry. My next thought was you have gained about 25 pounds roll your fat ass out of bed and get on with your new normal. I was up and out in 20 minutes. I drove the same way I have driven for the last 2 years to class and noticed for the very first time that there is a street right near the Winthrop Public Library called George Street. Are you kidding me? I think Dad wanted me to go to Zumba.
I had a dream last night that I was having fun in a Water Park. Andrew was there but he was dressed as a zombie wearing a life-preserver and had a sign on him that said “Titanic”. What the hell does that mean?
I have amazing friends.
Dad’s Memorial in Conn. was yesterday. He was so loved. I think the best and at the same time hardest part of all of this is hearing people’s stories about him. He was so loved. I was so lucky.
I wore heels the whole day! Well, not heels exactly but wedges. First time since April! Woo Hoo!
Back to sensible shoes today.
The Thinker is home from LA! I was afraid he was not going to come home. He is in love with California.
By the way, I am not a Friend of Suffolk Downs.
When I do something stupid (often) , burst into tears at the store (Target, Stop and Shop , Macy’s), cry over my meal (Houston’s, Panera) I feel weird saying to strangers “My Dad just died”. (Though I do appreciate their kind words) I am going to start saying “I am sorry. I forgot my Meds today”.
We have Drama Club Auditions today. We are doing it earlier this year which is either insane or a really good idea. I will let you know.
I love sweater weather. Even though I will miss the Season of the Dress a big black sweater hides a multiple of sins.
Whenever Dad was leaving he never said Good Bye. He always said “See you in two weeks” or a variation was “See you in a few weeks”. He has said that as far back as I can remember. It really gave me a warped sense of time when I was younger. If I saw him soon after he left I always thought “Wow, that was a quick two weeks” and if it was longer I wondered why time was taking too long. Sometimes I would check a calendar or ask my Mom. She told me once that she thought Dad said it because he did not like saying Good Bye. That he did not want too much time to pass before he saw us again and two weeks would be too long so he would try hard to see us within 14 days. When I got older I found his “See you in two weeks” a comfort. It was familiar, I knew he would try to keep his word and I knew he loved me. When I got married and had my own children it was much harder to see him. Though he was always in our life sometimes months would pass before we would physically see him. But when he left he would give us all a quick kiss and say “See you in two weeks”. One time Marissa was sad Papa was leaving and Mario said “Don’t be sad he said he would be back in two weeks”. I explained to them that Papa was living in California now and it would be longer but that he always said it because he was always thinking of us and it was his way of saying he wished he was always with us.
Andi and I went to see him in July after his first hospital stay. It was so good to see him though very different with the diagnosis of Cancer hanging over our heads. It was a quick visit full of unknowns but we just wanted to be with him. When we were getting ready to leave he was sitting in a chair, we said our Good byes with a quick kiss. I wanted to get out of the house without throwing myself at his feet and crying. I started to follow Andi out of the door when I realized he had not said his familiar and comforting farewell. I went back and gave him another kiss on the cheek and said “Love you Dad” and he said “Thank you for coming”.
I miss my Dad.
OK, I really tried to make this less about Dad and more about my New Normal. I don’t think I did a very good job but I think I should get points for trying.