I miss you. I really, really miss you. I miss you so much that I can actually feel it. It’s like a constant, physical ache. Brooks said that she constantly feels heavy. I said that it feels like I am swimming underwater. Andi said that she just feels like something is wrong. All I know is that no matter how you say it or describe it we all miss you so very much. There is this huge void in my life and nothing can fill it. I miss you.
What has surprised me is the tears. I can be doing the most ordinary of things and I just start crying. I can not control it at all. I never knew that I could wake up crying. I do, I wake up crying. I just try to go about my business with the tears streaming down my face.
The problem is, well one of the many problems, that you would be the person I would talk to about all this. You would be the one I would call and say “Dad, I am sad. Where do I put all of this, what do I do?”. And you would say the right thing and make me laugh at the same time. Like the morning you called when the kids were little and I was crying because I was having such a hard time being a Mom. And I told you I thought I was failing and I did not know how Mom did it with the four of us and you very calmly said “Honey, your Mother drank all day long. She was drunk that is how she did it?”. You made me laugh and then pointed out all the good things that I was doing. So, I would like to call you right now, right at this very moment and I would like for you to make me laugh and tell me it was going to be ok. I need you Dad and I miss you.