“Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak knits up the o-er wrought heart and bids it break.”
― William Shakespeare, Macbeth
(See! Shakespeare believed it was OK to write about grief! Thanks Bill!).
Here is a question: Why do I wake up in the middle of the night and toss and turn for hours? I try not to let my mind wander to stressful or unhappy thoughts. I try to breathe, relax and think happy thoughts. I do not turn on the TV and have even stopped writing my thoughts down. It never helps, I toss and turn and contemplate all the worlds problems and my own and then just when it is time to wake up I feel myself falling asleep. Why? Why? Why? but I think the bigger question is “Why do the Kardashians have their own show?”. This was the thought that tormented me between 3:45 and 4:05 this morning. Ugh.
When I do finally fall asleep as I wake up I usually lie in bed and think about what the day will bring. Those fuzzy morning thoughts of today is this day and this is what I have to do today and if I am really lucky this is what I have to look forward to today. I try really hard to get out of bed with a happy heart. Lately, as it gets closer to the 1st year anniversary of Dad’s Death (still have not come up with a better expression than losing someone, passing away or death. I hate them all. I need something else. Help me, People). I find myself thinking of the day and then the actual date and being happy that yes, last year at this time Dad was still here. He was still living, breathing and making me laugh. We did not know that his days were numbered. We were worried. We were beyond worried and bordering on terrified but we were still hopeful and he was still here. Today is August 22, 2014 and last year on this day he was still here and after a quick fact check in last years journal I had spoken with him and he was so positive about his surgery. He was still here.
Some people (you know who you are) have suggested to me that maybe I need help with my grief. That writing about Dad so much and still being underwater is not a good thing. I questioned my mourning and thought maybe I do need help? Maybe I need a happy pill. I have never grieved like this before, is it not normal? Hey , if all this will go away with a little pill I will take a little pill. And while we are at it can I have a pill that will help me sleep as well? I made an appointment to speak with my Doctor, whom I love, and she listened to my worries, concerns and tale of woe and then very quietly said “Janet, you have to let yourself grieve. Everyone grieves differently and this is your journey. Just breathe, just grieve”. I love her. It’s not like I needed permission to grieve but if felt like she was telling me it is OK to be this sad. She also said “You lost your compass. Your world is different. you will find your way with his help.” Again, I love her. So, this is my way of grieving and as much as I love a good pharmaceutical and would love a pill that makes me happy I am grieving for my father and I am going to do it my way. However, I would not say no to a pill that would make the cake cravings go away.